Disrespect
Feeling disrespected is nothing to be ignored. It is something that will cause the quickest reaction from someone, and that reaction is usually anger. This feeling can be hard to identify without thinking about why you are angry. If someone slaps you in the face right now, you would probably feel like you get angry immediately. But, perhaps the reason you are getting angry is because the person that slapped you disrespected you. Disrespect can be physical and mental. I think an argument could be made that the feeling of being disrespected is the number one reason we feel anger. If someone cut us off in traffic, we feel ignored by a spouse or loved one, or anyone that does something we don’t like can feel like they are not respecting our wishes. They are being inconsiderate.
Frustration
Frustration tends to occur after doing or saying something repeatedly without getting the results that you desire. You are trying to refine the way you are doing or saying said “thing”, but you just can’t get it right. This leads to frustration. Questions of “what am I doing wrong?” or “what am I saying wrong?” arise. “Why can’t I get this right” is probably the question that is asked before anger is reaching its peak. Doing something repeatedly can make us feel inept and like we are not good enough. Frustration can be mental and physical. Saying to your spouse “I’ve told you a million times about doing x” is just like doing “x” a million times and not having it fit your standard. This type of frustration can lead to feelings of anger.
Confusion
Sometimes when we are confused, we get angry. Take the “slap in the face scenario”. If some stranger slaps you in the face you may be confused why they did it. What did you do to prompt such a response? Do you know this person and just forgot? In these situations, we tend to not linger on these questions, but instead behave instantly in the response that is expected of us. If someone slapped you for what seemed to be no reason, it would seem odd for you to stop and ask them why they slapped you. It would appear even worse if you discovered that they had some kind of legitimate reason for slapping you and you decide not to retaliate. Then it looks like you just got slapped in public and did nothing about it. Even though we may acknowledge this confusion, we will often retaliate instead of investigating it due to our scripts associated with unprovoked aggression.
Embarrassment
Feelings of embarrassment can lead to anger. Being slapped in the face in a public setting could cause one to feel embarrassed. Sometimes we get angry because we are embarrassed. Embarrassing someone can be seen as being disrespectful. “How dare you do that to me in front of all these people?” is a question that can exhibit the tone of the situation. The person should know better than to embarrass you, on purpose or accidental. Any form of embarrassment can easily be responded to with anger, just think of a child acting up and a parent disciplining them for it. It is not just the fact that they are being defiant towards their parent, but they are also embarrassing them. Or think of the person that trips and falls, and anyone who laughs at them they want to fight.
Irritation
Think of the times when someone continued to do something that you repeatedly told them to stop doing. Maybe something that’s not really significant, such as smacking while chewing. Each smack is a trigger, another increase on the anger thermostat. This irritation is what is causing the anger. Irritation is different from frustration because typically when we are frustrated we are trying to do something and are having difficulty doing it, irritation happens typically happens when we are trying to get something to stop and are having difficulty.
Disappointment
We’ve all heard the saying “I’m not mad, I’m disappointed”. I think there is a distinction between the two. Disappointment happens when something does not meet our expectations. We don’t necessarily have to be angry about the thing that has disappointed us. Getting a “C” in a class that you were expecting to get an “A” in is disappointing. Sometimes that feeling of disappointment can lead to anger. “I can’t believe I got a C! That class was stupid!”.
Each of these things are often pre-anger triggers. We feel one of these first, and then it transforms into anger. A potential way to control anger is to focus on these first emotions before getting angry. Sometimes these emotions can be so fleeting that we don’t get a chance to fully acknowledge their presence. Acknowledging their presence may diffuse a situation that would usually cause anger. For example, if you feel irritated at someone because they are smacking as they are chewing, instead of saying “Your chewing is pissing me off!” maybe try saying “Your chewing is really irritating”. Similar messages that may produce the same desired result, the person stopping their smacking or at least trying to smack less. Or when disappointment hits, acknowledge it. Say “I thought I was going to get an A in that class instead of a C. I’m disappointed”. Sometimes the word anger or words associated with it becomes a blanket term for any unpleasant emotion. People who always seem to be mad about something sometimes are not really mad about anything. They are frustrated with the government, they are annoyed at their family, or disappointed they didn’t get that promotion. Anger shouldn’t be a blanket term because it has a strong negative connotation. People go on high alert when they hear someone is angry about something, then get disappointed when they find out they were angry because they gave themselves a paper cut. Perhaps learning to identify what we are feeling and convey that feeling more accurately will allow us to feel that feeling stronger, rather than feeling anger for everything. Of course, some people will say “I’m frustrated, and it’s pissing me off!”. This is a step in the right direction nonetheless. Then maybe the conversation can focus on figuring out why the person is frustrated instead of figuring out why they are “angry”.